08 Dec 2011
10:38:00

Obsession!

We don't need to drive ourselves crazy. It is within walking distance!

ob·ses·sion

The relationship that I recently walked out of (for the umpteenth time) had my family and friends perplexed for many years. At times even I didn't understand why I stayed. I still don't.

Anyway it has been almost four months since we broke up. It has not been easy. I think about him every single day.

One of the worst things that can happen to a woman's ego happened to me last weekend. I saw him with someone else (he didn't see me). I can't be angry because we are no longer together but I sure felt odd. I felt sick actually. It was so surreal. I won't lie and say that it didn't please me to see she is older than me and not at all glamorous or rocking a hot body. It pleased me quite a lot actually but it has not taken the sadness I am feeling away. I keep playing it like a video loop in my head. Rewind. Slow mo. Pause. Repeat.

Sometimes I wish that my brains fast forward and erase functions worked as well the rest.

I keep analysing the scene. Thinking about who she could be. Is it serious or is it a rebound? Are they sleeping together already or was it just a coffee date and I am reading too much into it? Does he still think about me? Is he missing me at all? AND... WHY THE HELL DO I CARE? I chose to leave. He can't give me what I want. We tried for a decade and didn't get it right. AND.. never mind all of that - I am in contact with really awesome guy and am planning a trip overseas to visit him in the new year.

Although I have to admit to feeling totally incapable of being with someone new...

On every level I feel damaged and not good enough. My confidence is rock bottom and I haven't had sex for a very long time. This of course leads to more obsessive thoughts.

He sent me a preview pic of his penis. Gosh, it is so big! So big that when I showed it to my one friend who has seen way more penises than I have, she said: "You.are.going.to.get.broken!".

My little "shop" has been closed for so long, I hope the cock err I mean "stock" will fit in easily? Will we be sexually compatible? Will I remember all my 'moves like jagger'? I even checked (and I am not telling you how I did this) to see how I look giving a blow job to a bigger than normal "object". It wasn't a very pretty sight. My face looked like the Scream Mask. There will be after dark fellatio only!

Will he still think I am "so beautiful" when he sees me in the morning? What if I do stuff that annoys him and I am stuck there for 2 weeks. What if he drives me crazy and it is all a complete disaster?

And let me not get started on my shy poo syndrome (Google Parcopresis if you want to know more about this). I have gone as far as looking up apartment rentals in that part of the world in an attempt to find out how they are layed out. You see if the toilet and bathroom are separate I will freak out - at least if it is all in one you can go have a peaceful poo while running your bath water. I am happy to report that after going through six pages of rentals, it seems that I will be met with an all-in-one situation.

Obsessive much? Flip I'd say!

PS: I will be seeing a shrink in the new year. And yes I will be blogging about it. I need help. Then again... don't we all?