22 Feb 2012
09:11:00

Sick in the head & mad in the stomach...

Jina on being one "sick and confused poppie".

My bleat today is incredibly self absorbed, kind of negative and full of profanities -  I suggest any sensitive readers either deal with it or press on to another article...

So. I have yet to get to a shrink. I don't think I am going to either, even though this was one of my new year resolutions - get myself mentally repaired.

The thing is the cost of these professional f*cking head readers alone is enough to drive you insane!! R600 per session? Once a week? R2 400 a month? No way. I would rather be 'round the bend' and have cash than be 'on the mend' and flat broke. No money = confirmed depression in my books.

I am not actually depressed (at least I don't think so)...

What I do know is that I can feel the nagging little monsters who have visited my thoughts over the years, starting to take up residence in my head - and they are not so little anymore. They are growing. Huge, hairy beasts that stink up my brain and I find myself more often than not high on their fumes, lost in the rolling hills of inadequacy, anger and just general confusion.

The worst one of the lot? The Inadequacy monster. I will focus on this one today because I know that many of you reading this will be able to relate.

How does 'IM' (Inadequacy Monster) make one feel? It makes you feel "less than"...

I'M not as pretty as his ex (bitch!)
I'M not good enough
I'M not the best girlfriend / wife / mother / daughter
I'M not worthy of his love
I'M too stupid to get a better job
I'M not confident enough

You get the picture...

I mean how many of you actually accept a compliment AND believe it? I know that I don't. Why is it so hard for us to believe in what others see in us?

From what I have read, it is a gross lack of self worth. You have to value yourself, you have to love yourself, start a journal and write down all the compliments you receive, look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are worthy, you are beautiful, you are smart.... Yeah oooook - Blah dee f*cking blah.

Self worth seems to be that elusive middle ground that not many of us can find. If you have, I am genuinely happy and somewhat envious of you (can you send me the directions please - unless they include talking to myself in a mirror. In that case please keep them until you find an alternate route).

For the most part - I think most of us are either wracked with self doubt or are raging f*cking narcissists.

I don't know about you but I sure as hell did not sign up for all this bullsh*t mental admin!

ON A LIGHTER NOTE:
For those of you who follow my blog and know of my sexual drought... I have good news....I GOT ME SOME "RAIN" - and it was wonderful!