08 Jan 2012
21:30:00

Why do I cheat on me?

Why do you rob yourself of happiness in love and life? It's just dissonance!..

The title forms part of lyrics taken from Lou Reed & Metallica's song entitled Cheat on Me.

Now why would I be blogging or promoting this? Well, I am asking myself the same thing as I type. The first time I heard this song - last year during exam time - (how apt) it got me to thinkin’. The genre (heavy metal) is unfamiliar to me, but the lyrics lingered with me.

I wondered why.

It's taken me the whole of December to figure this out. My interpretation of the song struck a nerve and so sparked a debate in my mind.

Why do I cheat on me?

Let that sink in. As the line sinks in, read the lyrics of the song: 

Why do you cheat on me 

Why do I cheat on thee 

Why do I cheat on me 

Why do I cheat on me 

 

I have a passionate heart 

It can tear us apart

I have the loves of many men

But I don't love any of them

 

Why do I cheat on me

 

You have your feelings

I have mine

I spit upon you and change my mind

I have many hearts to break

And many, many, many more to take

 

Let the light of stars pour out

Like a candle in a spout

Let the wick recede and break

Let the starlight radiate

Why do you cheat on me

Why do I cheat on me

Why do I cheat on thee

Why do I desecrate me

Why do I piss my dreams

That's because that's what it is

 

I have the drive

I got the scope

If I, if I, if I, could I give you a rope

 

Your love means zero to me

I'm a passionateless wave upon the sea

Passionateless wave upon the sea

Why, why, why

Do you cheat on me

Why, why, why

Do I cheat on thee

Oh why, do I cheat on me

Why do I cheat on myself

Well I got nobody else

 

I'm only young once

I want to taste it all and have fun

I have no real feelings in my soul

Where most have passion I got a hole

I really got nobody else

 

I want lovers like the rain

So many of them, so much the same

You say you love me, I know it's true

But I, I, I don't love you

 

Why do I cheat on me

Why do you cheat on me

Your love means zero to me

A passionateless wave

Your love means zero to me

Sigh...  it's so sad (you should hear it being sung), but it just makes a lot of sense to me. There would probably be many interpretations of this song, depending of course of all depths and types of 'life drama' one had to endure. Then again maybe I just have issues and over-analyze things - maybe we all do (over-analyze). 

For me, this song raised an interesting concern. In life, I could be so much happier, but yet often I find myself in a state of dissonance, where 'cognitive dissonance' is a discomfort caused by holding conflicting cognitions (e.g., ideas, beliefs, values, emotional reactions) simultaneously.

I think often in a state of dissonance we make bad decisions and we cheat ourselves from living the grandest life

We cheat ourselves of genuine happiness. And often, most probably, we cheat ourselves of acknowledging and enjoying real love. Look, I can only speak from my own experience, but I have seen this happen with many people too, and in many different contexts. So I may speak for them too.

We cheat ourselves of the best relationships (including friendships), because we cannot trust; we are not faithful; we are not forgiving; we are not rational. There is a theory - which happens to be true (Exhibit A: an angry customer at a supermarket screaming at the top of their lungs).

Human beings are NOT always rational

See here: "Because it is often easier to make excuses or pass judgement than it is to change behaviour or values, cognitive dissonance research contributes to the abundance of evidence in social psychology that humans are not always rational beings."

I, for one know that I am not rational, and because I know that others are not - I try to take that into consideration when passing judgement. I try. 

Upon further reading I came across this little statement: "Cognitive dissonance theory warns that people have a bias to seek consonance among their cognitions. This bias gives the theory its predictive power, shedding light on otherwise puzzling irrational and even destructive behaviour." ((Profound)). 

If I have to zone in on love, as a context, I find dissonance to be an ugly reality in relationships and journeying through understanding love

I find that, once I am in this state, my first reaction to any misunderstanding or hiccup is to simmer in guilt, or revert to self- inflicted emotional pain. I would say that this is cheating myself of enduring happiness and happy relationships that actually last. 

Drifting away from love and relationships, cognitive dissonance also has an affect on our views on people and even one's identity. Now maybe if we explore the human psyche a bit more, I think we could understand each other on a deeper level than we do now.  Read more on: Self-evaluation maintenance theory; Balance theory and self handicap. The last one will most probably resonate well with most students, as the example used on Wikipaedia was where a student drinks the night before an important exam, and does so in response to his fear of performing poorly. Here a person 'self handicaps' so that any failures during an important task are easier to justify. As Oprah Winfrey would say, "Light bulb moment."

This blog post was not to pose any answers to questions, but rather to remind to firstly be aware of your state of being, understand why you react the way you do, what informs your behaviour. It would be good to maybe do some research on the theories related to and behind cognitive dissonance. It's really food for (good) thought.

So why do I cheat on me? Why do you cheat on me?

Clearly dissonance is to blame my sweetie.

Miss Y

Twitter: @yvette_adams

P.S I blame dissonance and the awesome human psyche for gut-wrenching and powerful lyrics! 

Disclaimer: These are my own views and may not all be fact.

 

01 Jan 2012
22:09:00

Happy New Year... kinda sorta...

I thought I would write a few words to wish people “Happy new year” and such. Then I changed my mind.

It’s not that I don’t wish people well, I mean that would be so rude of me, but rather I wish that people would take on the year 2012 with a different perspective than they had in the past year.

All of us, in the new year, will be faced with challenges and heartache and loss

No year is different to any other year really. Of course we will have joys too, but let’s not forget the pain, life lessons learnt and necessary tragedies that also form part of who we become and how we grow.

2011 was a rough year for many. Some of us made it, others didn’t. But we were all blessed in some way or the other.

My most important lessons learnt in this past year include (amongst other):

• Life is tough, but just go with it.
• Time management will get the better of you; watch your back.
• Wash your back, take care of yourself.
• Love yourself, not last, but first.
• Learn to trust your centre - and feed its wholesomeness.
• Your journey is your own, not anyone else’s.
• Listen. No, really listen. Listen with an understanding, kind ear. You want the same anyway.
• Everybody has problems. That’s it.
• You are not always right (painful).
• You are not always wrong (win!).
• Passion is good. Hold onto that - it’ll get you up in the morning.
• Don’t drink too much RedBull or Play (especially if you have colon issues).
• Forgive.
• Say thank you, and mean it, all the time.
• Love!
• Learn to be still (and ‘stil’ - translated to ‘quiet’ from Afrikaans)
• Friends are very important. You chose them, didn’t you?
• Family is important too. You didn’t choose them.
• Get over revolutions - all kinds. Evolve!
• Time doesn’t stand still, it doesn’t wait to be. It just is. So, keep moving, and just be. Don’t wait.
• You are the best friend you could ever have.
• Be genuine.

So yeah that’s my list. Lots of lessons, I know.

I don’t mind learning. I’m growing.

P.S. Happy New Year (the social conformist in me speaking).

Miss Y

Twitter: @yvette_adams

 

30 Dec 2011
06:00:00

Love is overrated, it seems

I found myself wondering what the big fuss about love is and questioning its importance. What's wrong with just liking someone? And not stepping into the depth of love.

Love is, after all, blind. Who wants to go into anything blindly anyway? Being in a relationship is dangerous; anything can happen. Anyone can get hurt. So, why fall into that trap? I would love to be in a relationship where I am loved, but mostly - more importantly, I just want to be liked, for me.

I am sure people are thinking to themselves, "This poor hurt soul, she doesn't know what love is"

This is that default answer most people give before they try to understand your opinion and experiences that formed your opinion anyway. Let's stop to think about 'love' and 'like' and the marshmallow bits in between. 

I'll start with 'love'

"I love you". It's so commercial that it sends shivers down your spine, doesn't it? Love is that ideal we all strive towards in all our relationships (excluding flings) and we try to time it so well, that we know we are building on a solid foundation, etc., etc.

We take it slow, thinking that love is a type of castle we build, and rushing it will result in its fatal collapse. Yawn.

With that said, I have seen people who are in 'loving relationships' and swear on their forefather's graves that they love each other. Yet, they don't like the person they are with. Irritation is an understatement. They love them, 'unconditionally', they say.

So, someone loves you, regardless of your faults? That's what I interpret that as. *(For argument's sake, I will exclude the occurrence of some drama that had the potential of disrupting the relationship.)* Firstly, I don't want my partner to see any part of me as a fault. That translates to, "Despite all of your flaws I still love you". Er, in no way do I find that appealing or comforting.

Love may be deep and meaningful, but sometimes, I just want to be liked for the weird person I am.

Onto 'like' then

We could link this to the infatuation phase of the relationship. You like everything about the person you fancy. Everything is rosy, we forgive quickly and appreciate the person for who they are.

Now this sounds really appealing to me. There are happy vibes here, laughter, smiles, and fascination. Guess the only thing that's not so cool is that there may not be security within the relationship. So, things may fall apart, as the strings attached may not be strong enough to hold you together.

What I am searching for is a situation where one is loved enough to be liked and liked enough to be loved. I hope that made sense.

I want the security of 'love' and the honesty of 'like'. 

I want that marshallow bits of 'love' and 'like'.

Maybe it's because I'm young, maybe it's because of life's hard lessons, maybe it's just that I find nothing wrong with the truth.

Miss Y