How to be a better parent

02 February, 2012 09:27:00 Sasha Wyatt-Minter

Photo ©: © biker3 - Fotolia.com

Here are six ways to be a better parent - by someone who is still learning and has yet to put many of these into practice but knows - in theory - what to do...

1. Love your children unconditionally

Love your children for who they are - not for who you want them to be. When they have done something terrible and you are really angry or upset, tell them that you dislike the action, not the person, and that although you are angry or disappointed, you still love them just as much. (I've learned from experience that when you display anger towards little children, they often feel that you don't love them anymore as a result of their behaviour.)

2. Tell (and show) them you love them - often

Don't hold back on the hugs and kisses - it's been proven that abandoned babies who are not physically touched for long periods can actually die (extreme example I know, but you get the point). Children who grow up in warm and loving homes where tactile parents hug and kiss them often, are more likely to be warm and loving towards others.

And don't worry that you will embarrass them in front of their friends - they will tell you when the time comes. Let them decide when hugs and kisses in public are not cool anymore.

3. Give children your full attention when you spend time with them

There's been huge debate over quality vs quantity time spent with children, but there's not much point in taking a day's leave to spend with your child if you spend the time on your phone or computer. Try to be present, there in the moment - body and mind.

Also, remember to listen with your eyes (and if necessary, physically go down to a child's level when they want to tell or show you something). "I'm listening," when you're busy bbming someone won't cut it and they will know that they don't have your full attention - and may tell you too!

4. Bite that tongue

Beware of sharp words and keep the criticism in check. If you're impatient with your child's failure to get moving in the morning or inability to grasp something you are trying to teach them, resist the urge to tell them that they can't do anything right. Similarly, when they're yapping away about their day or whining incessantly about something they want and you want to scream "Just shut up!" or "Bugger off!", take a deep breath or count to 10 before you react.

I met a teacher once who physically left the house (you can only do this if there is someone else at home to watch the kids) and drove around the block until she calmed down. This will help you to deal with the little terrors when you get back, they won't see you at your worst and and you won't have to apologise for your shocking behaviour later.

5. Don't smack in anger - or at all if you can help it

This sounds like I'm encouraging even worse behaviour - from the parent. What does this mean - do you ignore a tantrum until you're calmer and then dole out the smacks later that evening, just before bedtime, when the offenders don't remember what they've done?

Not at all - but try not to hit your child when you're blinded by rage and seeing red. I know this is when your hand may itch but an uncontrollable temper on your side could result in causing more hurt or pain than you intended - and this is really just violence against children (and you will be accused of abuse by some).

Try to remain calm - difficult I know - but you are after all the adult here, and you need to show your child that you can keep control of the situation and not lose it. Only resort to smacking if there is no other way to resolve the situation and not as the first solution to the problem.

6. Don't punish in public

If your child behaves badly in front of other people, there is no point in waiting until you get home to talk to them about it if they are under the age of six. They may not remember what they did and you've lost the opportunity to discuss the problem or make them apologise.

However, punishing or smacking them in public only serves to humiliate them and they won't be receptive to listening to you. If for example, your child has refused to return a friend's toy - or worse, bitten or smacked another child - the situation needs to be dealt with immediately.

Remove them from the situation and go to another room where you can reprimand or punish them in private (and listen to your child's side of the story). Then take the child back to the 'victim' and make him or her apologise for what they've done.

I'm sure this is all nothing new to you - but we all need to be reminded sometimes as we negotiate the battlefield that is parenting - I know I do!

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Author info: Sasha Wyatt-Minter

Sasha is one of the editors of www.all4women.co.za and is also a work-from-home mom with a passion for writing, reading, good food and wine. She's obsessed with healthy eating and experimenting with alternative health therapies. Her best reward at the end of a busy day - a glass of wine and a good book!

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