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Are you married to a sex addict?

18 March, 2010 08:02:00 Staff writer

A famous golfer, soccer player and now Sandra Bullock's husband have all been exposed recently for cheating on their gorgeous, intelligent wives. Do these husbands fall in love or are they just sex addicts, and why do they do it?

What is sex addiction?

Sex addiction is when a person uses sex as a coping mechanism for all the problems and stresses in their life. Unlike people with a high libido, a sex addict is NEVER satisfied.

Sex is not about the physical act or the mental and emotional intimacy to them. Instead, sex is a crutch, a filler, used to fill the empty space in their life left by some other unfulfilled need.

Sometimes the addict even prefers their fantasy sex world to normal relational sex with their partner within a committed relationship.

Other ways that sexual addiction can manifest is in multiple casual sex encounters outside of the relationship.

Some sex addicts have been known to have hundreds of partners in the space of a few months to a year

If you have discovered that your partner or spouse is a sex addict, you are definitely not alone. Learning from the experiences of others in similar situations, be prepared to face feelings of isolation, confusion, anger, betrayal, hopelessness and low self esteem.

The first stage is usually a mixture of anger, shock and numbness

This is the healthy and normal reaction of someone faced with infidelity in a committed relationship, and although unpleasant, is a necessary step towards recovery. Once the initial anger wears off, numbness sets in, especially when faced by the huge number of transgressions.

This stage is marked by feelings of ambivalence as you continue to yearn for the intimacy of a healthy marriage or relationship, but find yourself unable to deal with the enormity of betrayal. Self image can also take a huge beating as women view the wandering and philandering of their partner as some kind of inadequacy in themselves. “Am I not attractive enough/good enough?” can plague a woman into depression.

Stage two is often grief, marked by mourning for the lost intimacy and trust

It is an essential part of the experience of healing, regardless of whether you heal alone or decide to give your relationship another chance. Getting competent help at this stage is advisable. Marriage or couples therapy might be one option, although special attention must also be paid to helping your partner deal with his addiction. How long the grieving stage lasts, will depend on the level of hurt and betrayal you have had to face.

Even if your partner is in denial and refuses to accept their addiction or to get help, you can get the help and support you need, on your own

Long term relationship with a sexual addict can take a severe toll on you physically, mentally, and emotionally. The chronic feelings of anger, loss, loneliness and all the other feelings you have to deal with over the years take a heavy toll on your sense of self. You need to deal with these feelings and get help to make yourself whole again whether or not you continue in the relationship.

Some sex addicts do recover from their addiction, but a large percentage don’t

It is up to you to decide whether your relationship is worth salvaging. Be prepared to invest time and energy, doing the hard work required to pull your relationship and your partner through these difficult times.

However, you can eventually find positive change and accountability growing, and may even come out of it with a strengthened marriage.