When second marriages come with children

Whether you like it or not, choosing to become the spouse in a remarriage often means accepting the fact that your spouse is not necessarily “all yours” when there are children from a previous marriage.

The marriage may have been dissolved, and the ex may no longer be such a major factor in your partner’s life, but his/her responsibility to a the children from a first marriage continues.

Not only are the kids still their responsibility to a large extent, they deserve all the time and attention any kid is entitled to from its parents

In addition, the ex spouse may also have some claim on the time and attention of your partner, making life more difficult for you.

It can be frustrating and anger inducing, and can make you feel left out and unappreciated, especially when the priority of responsibilities and attention seems to be more focused on the first family than on you.

This situation can feel worse if this is your first marriage, and you came into it with none of the baggage but all the expectations

Not wanting to be, or used to being, second to anyone, it can come as a huge shock when you suddenly find yourself increasingly taking the backseat to your partner’s ex, and his/her kids from their first marriage.

You may feel as if you are constantly competing for importance with the ex spouse and the children

Often your partner may even be forced to pay more attention to them, to prioritize them over you and your relationship, in order not to seem irresponsible or neglectful.

Setting boundaries can be a slow, painful, learn-as-you-go process, and patience is essential, as well as mental emotional support.

Always remember that you may not be aware of all the internal dynamics at work here, and don’t forget, or grudge, the fact that there is a shared history with the first family.

There is also bound to be a sense of loyalty to the kids, as well as some residual loyalty to the ex spouse, and you may often feel as if your partner takes “their” side all the time, leaving you to hold up the “us” by yourself.

The various layers and kinds of feelings involved can sometimes make the situation seem almost impossible. Just remember that it is not.

Although a certain amount of time and effort is required to deal with all the loose ends and to sort out the various loyalties, it is definitely do-able, and nowhere close to impossible. A little understanding, some patience, and a lot of support will make a world of difference.

The additional financial obligations that come with children can be an added burden, but these obligations must be met

Even grown children from a first marriage might sometimes require money, and that is part of the obligations of the parent as well.

A second marriage has to be treated as a special needs relationship

Because of all the additional pressures that come with the territory, you have to be more nurturing, and more communicative. The children too will need special handling since they are going through the trauma of their parent’s divorce and may be feeling replaced and supplanted by the new family. 

You have to face the reality that you will have to share your spouse with his/her children at least

The honeymoon phase in a second marriage is, by definition, not  a ‘yours and mine’ time. You will have to allow room for the relationship of the children with their parent.

Patience, and space, is essential for things to workout in the long run. Face the feelings and issues head on, but without rancor. Be open and honest about your fears, but let your partner know he/she has your support and love.