Can online flirting harm your relationship?

A reader came close to endangering her marriage when a little harmless online flirting with an ex threatened to get out of control.....

You don't have to visit chat rooms to get into a situation where online flirting can happen

"I'm on Facebook. Who isn't? It's a great way to find old schoolfriends and other people we may have lost touch with over the years. But there's also the chance of old boyfriends crawling out of the woodwork.

My marriage was going through a bit of a dull patch. Nothing serious, but we were just plodding along, negotiating busy jobs, a house sale, and demanding children. It didn't leave much time for us as a couple. We hadn't been out alone together for ages and didn't compliment each other anymore. We were "fine" but the romance was missing.

I was flattered when I was contacted by an ex-boyfriend I hadn't seen in years, and he told me that I still looked exactly the same. We began to reminisce about the good old days, what fun we had and how special those times were.

A few (harmless) conversations later, he was telling me that I was the proverbial "fish that got away" and that he still thinks about me often. I wasn't exactly discouraging either: I rushed to log on as soon as I got to work each morning to see if he'd left a message - and was surprised at the thrill it gave me when it did.

Hmmm, entering murky waters here. An innocent "How ARE you? What have you been up to?" was becoming more serious.

Time for a reality check

I was reading a novel at the time. A 40-something woman met up with an old flame and and what began as an innocent lunch eventually led to an affair. Her husband found out and left her. She lost her home, her children and her reputation.

And the guy she risked it all for turned out to be a real s**t who preyed on ex-girlfriends by reminiscing about the good times every time he met up with one of them.

I stopped returning personal messages and he soon got the message. He's still there under my list of friends though. Hey, I'm only human after all and I still want to see what's he's up to. But perhaps deleting him from my list (and my life) is the safest route to take? And the one fairest to my spouse."

Is your marriage or relationship worth risking for a quick online thrill?

Chances are your online flirtation is just one of many he's engaging in. If he's really just a good friend, ask yourself these questions to determine if what you're doing is really that harmless:

1. Would you be willing to tell your partner about your re-aquaintance with your ex or long lost male friend and the content of your emails?

If the answer is yes, you have nothing to hide.

Your partner might be the jealous type and resent your innocent friendship, but at least you've been honest. Then you just have to decide whether your online relationship is worth fighting for.

2. Would you be happy if he had regular contact with an ex-girlfriend?

Put yourself in his shoes. If you're ok with it, then you trust him and he might feel the same way. If you're not, then perhaps you shouldn't be doing the same thing.

3. Would you feel comfortable inviting your online friend (and his partner if he has one) to join you and your partner for dinner?

Then the friendship can be out in the open and your partner has no reason to feel left out.

4. Lastly, but most importantly, would you still be looking for an online "harmless flirtation" with a member of the opposite sex if your relationship was going really well and fulfilling you?

Maybe it's time you spent the time and energy on reviving your "real" realtionship instead of flirting with virtual reality?

When does friendship become flirting?

In most minds, common thought places cheating firmly at the door of sexual behaviour. If you sleep with someone outside your primary relationship, common belief goes, it is cheating.

So where does that leave online flirting?

Whether it is chatting and getting risqué with a stranger in a chat room, or rekindling a chemistry online with an ex, most people belive that flirting without the physical presence of the other party doesn’t fall into this category at all.

So, is online flirting still cheating?

Opinions differ. After all, it is very difficult to pinpoint the defining line, the one point of no return, which tips the balance between harmless fun and cheating.

After all, one needs to decide for oneself if emotional infidelity is a problem equal to physical infidelity.

Each person also has to define infidelity for themselves and decide whether a little online flirting is harmless, or whether any thought of anything with anyone other than your partner is cheating.

Friendships and work relationships are a way to enrich your life in ways bigger and vaster than the marriage or the relationship you are in.

After all, relationships deal with human beings, and are hardly a restaurant menu. Expecting one person to meet all your needs, emotionally, is frankly unrealistic.

Having friends outside the marriage, of the same gender as your partner, is not only healthy, but absolutely essential to most people to prevent having impossible expectations from your partner.

But where does the line have to be drawn?

When does friendship, or simple chat, turn into flirting? And even if it does, is that necessarily a problem?

Seemingly innocent indiscretions in chat rooms, email flirting or instant message can cause a lot of problems in your relationship if things cross certain lines.

You may be a person for whom picking up a stranger at a bar is an impossible thought, but a little flirting with a total stranger on chat seems innocuous enough.

You may never even imagine having a physical affair, but an emotional affair with an ex boyfriend or a chat contact may seem like ‘no big deal’ since they are physically inaccessible to you.

Sometimes it is the illusion of harmlessness which makes online flirting dangerous to a marriage or a relationship

The three advantages of anonymity, convenience, and escapism, offered by the internet can bring to the fore all the hidden dark fantasies.

It becomes easier to cross the line when you feel yourself attracted because the anonymity of chat allows you to indulge. The conversation is private, and intimate, and no one will ever know what turn the conversation takes.

Sometimes it’s easier to escape to the fantasy world of the internet than to examine what is missing in your life and your relationship

The problems arise when the relationship online becomes more important than your primary one, or takes more time and energy than you are investing in your marriage or your partner.

If the time you spend online takes your energies away from your primary relationship, online flirting becomes dangerous.