Get your sexy back after childbirth

Has childbirth killed your sex life? Lindsay Barnes advises how to get back on track.

“Not tonight, honey. In fact, not this month, or next month, or the next…”

If this is how you feel about making love after giving birth, you’re far from alone. Most women suffer from a low sex drive for anything up to a year after childbirth, because they are simply too exhausted to summon up any energy for a bit of hanky panky.

Having a child is one of the biggest passion killers that couples face in their relationships

Research shows that up to 10% of couples don’t have sex in the first year of their baby’s life, while the average rate of having sex one year after childbirth is once a week. Around 66% of women report that they have sex less often after having children.

It’s not surprising. Giving birth is arduous and punishing work for a woman’s body

It takes its toll both physically and emotionally, and the healing process takes time. New parents are typically told by doctors to abstain from sex for six weeks after childbirth to allow the woman’s body to return to its pre-baby state. The uterus needs to heal as women run the risk of an infection from penetrative sex.

There are many other ways to be sexually intimate

But by sex, the doctor usually means vaginal penetration – and there are many other ways to be sexually intimate. Apparently up to 60% of couples ignore the six-week rule to engage in some form of intimacy.

Desire takes a dive from post-baby hormones

Most new mothers have little desire for sex, however. This is because their estrogen and progesterone levels drop dramatically while the hormone prolactin, which controls milk production, surges. Prolactin also functions as a natural tranquilliser. As long as a woman is breastfeeding, this hormone suppresses her estrogen levels. Her vagina produces less lubrication and her genitals will be less sensitive as a result.

It is often more difficult for a woman to become aroused or have an orgasm for a few months after giving birth. Surgery or birth complications may slow the recovery process and leave the genitals sore and sensitive. Some women who have an episiotomy endure nerve damage or find their genitals are sore for as long as a year after childbirth.

A caesarean section can also cause complications and leave you feeling tender for some time. The process of your body returning to its pre-baby state as well as the enormous lifestyle changes required by a baby all feed into lowered desire.

What you can do to heal your body

There is much that you can do to help your body heal. Firstly, it takes time, so be patient with yourself. Take sitz baths and do Kegel exercises to strengthen your PC muscles and get them in shape again, as childbirth stretches them.

If you’re concerned about resuming your sex life too quickly, consider gentle masturbation to see how your body feels – it’s a great way to find out if there is any pain or tenderness – and gauge how responsive you are sexually. This is useful for pointing out any sore spots to your partner and to communicate to him how your body is healing and whether you need more time.

There’s more to sex than intercourse

Once you feel you’d like to resume your sex life, don’t feel pressured into vaginal penetration, however. You could opt for oral sex or gentle genital massaging. If you don’t feel up to having sex, you could indulge each other with a soothing all-over body massage and then offer him oral sex, for instance.

When you feel ready to try vaginal penetration, it’s a good idea to have a bottle of good quality lubrication handy as you may find you are a bit dry, which can be uncomfortable. Try positions that give you control of the timing and depth of penetration, such as woman-on-top or side-by-side, and go slowly.

As you rediscover your sexual self, here’s a plan of action to get your libido back on track:

•    It sounds strange, but schedule time for making love. Book a babysitter so you get regular time out with your partner, or get your child into a sleep routine that gives you time together.
•    Be spontaneous and opportunistic – grab the moments that your child falls asleep or is distracted for a quickie.
•    Ask family and friends to help babysit, or to help you with parenting issues. The more support you get to cope better, the more energy you’ll have for pleasure.
•    Look after your health. Get sufficient sleep (the golden rule is to sleep when your baby does), eat regular, nutritious meals and get exercise.
•    Relax with your partner and find ways to reconnect as a couple. Take romantic baths together, give and receive regular massages, sit together at night once your child is asleep and reconnect with a leisurely heart-to-heart or over a soothing glass of wine.
•    If you’re too tired for a long lovemaking session, go for a quickie instead. Be creative and use whatever gets you aroused easily, be it an erotic board game, sex toys, erotic movie or reading erotica.
•    Plan a getaway as a couple. Book a romantic weekend in the mountains, or an overnighter in a local hotel or bed ‘n breakfast, or stay with family for a weekend. It’s amazing how a change of scene can recharge your batteries.

As you get back into the sexual swing of things with your partner, above all be gentle with yourself

Most women go through a period of low desire as their bodies adjust and they learn to cope with a baby, so it’s perfectly normal. Have faith that in time, your libido will return. Who knows…you may even find that in your new role as a mother, you become more adventurous in the bedroom and hone your technique to perfection! 

Your sex questions answered

Do you have any burning questions about sex that you’re too embarrassed to ask? Email them to me at info@ohzone.co.za and I’ll tackle them at the end of next week’s column.

If you enjoyed this article, please email it to your friends. For more on how to enhance your sex life, see OhZone.


 

Author info: Lindsay Barnes

Lindsay Barnes is a professional journalist with a Master’s degree in human rights. Her focus here is on sexual rights and discussing sexual experiences in a sex-positive, non-judgmental and self-reinforcing way. She writes for OhZone, a sex information website offering sex enhancing products and articles. Sign up for OhZone’s sex tips newsletter at www.ohzone.co.za.